Funny Valentines Day Quotes by Comedians 2023

"Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone."
-Lewis Black

"Today is Valentine's Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day."

-Jay Leno

"Ever have that one friend who gets a Valentine's Day gift for their mother? Doens't that freak you out a little? It's like, 'I don't know how to break this to you but I think she's banging your dad!'"
-Russ Meneve

"I have a dream, and a plan, to combine the commercial possibilities of Valentine's Day with the substance and meaning of black history month. I call it: Blackentine's Day."
-Mo Rocca

"Let me tell you why I hate Valentine's day: Because a few years ago on Valentine's night I thought I would have nice romantic evening in with the lady. Little did I know, that same night, her ex boyfriend decided he would win her heart back. And being the sweet, romantic guy that he is, he thought the best way to do this was to get all coked up and then jump through a window and TRY TO MURDER ME... You know what, it worked. They're still together."
-Doug Mellard

"Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!"
-Greg Giraldo

"It goes Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day. Is that fair to anyone who's alone? These are all days you gotta be with someone. And if you didn't get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Year's, boom! There's Valentine's Day. I think there should be one more after Valentine's Day just called, 'Who could love you?'"
-Laura Kightlinger

"Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything."
-Jon Stewart

"I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines galore!"
-Mike Birbiglia

Valentine's Day money-saving tips:
Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.
In place of bubble bath, use lavender-scented dish-washing liquid.
Forget rose petals. Sprinkle the bed with sliced beets!
-David Letterman

Hop you enjoyed these Funny Valentines Day Quotes by Comedians. These are not only funny but humorous as well. Wish you all a great and happy valentine's day.